Driving
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC. When the Marauders and Snape go to James and Lily's and find him revising, what's happened to the world? And when he takes his driving test, what occurs? FOR VITZY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


_For Vitzy's birthday – damn you, girl, you're making me feel young again! _

_I don't own anything_

***crackfic. Therefore, do not mention about the characters being OOC or whatever, or it being unrealistic, since what else is it going to be?***

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They all arrive at the little cottage in Godric's Hollow at near the exact same time, Sirius, Remus, Peter and Severus, the latter of whom is given ridiculously stereotypically evil looks. In fact, Sirius goes as far as to mime fangs protruding from his mouth and insinuating he is going to bite Severus.

"Sirius, last time we checked, you're not a vampire," Remus sighs, bringing a touch of reality back to the more than slightly far fetched situation.

Sirius looks down at himself in a slightly sarcastic manner, realising that he has ridiculously tanned skin (product of three weeks of R&R on a cruise, thank you very much; he's too young to be getting worry lines from Voldemort) so the whole 'pale as a vampire' thing doesn't really work. Add in the lack of fangs and bloodlust, along with the fact he's addicted to the sun, you've probably got the least likely vampire there is.

"Ahh shucks, guess you're right," he laughs slightly but in a very upset way since he has just been ridiculed in front of _Snape_… that's just not the thing that's done, as Remus should very well know.

Severus rolls his eyes at the immaturity of the fellow nineteen year olds with him, still slightly scared about Sirius being a vampire (though he doesn't want to admit it). Then he walks around them and heads up towards the door, half regretting this because the last time they were all invited round, the first person at the door got a pie in the face.

Which, incase it isn't clear, was him.

Anyway, Severus (we're on first name terms today) braces himself for something to fall on him – probably some bodily fluid from James –but nothing happens. Evidently everyone (namely James) inside is too busy to be bothered about inflicting possibly psychologically damaging pranks on visitors.

That or he forgot Severus is coming with the Marauders.

Anyway, Severus knocks at the door and soon it's opened by his best friend (because of the greasy hair, other people don't seem to like him which is a shame) whose particularly luscious red hair is a desire Sev has to have for himself. Sometimes when he gets very drunk, he contemplates whether or not he could actually be gay, as he spends half his time thinking very vain thoughts.

"Sev, you _came_!" Lily squeals, wrapping her arms around him, much to the disgust of the Marauders behind. "Guys, sorry but come in and just relax – James is a bit busy _reading_ right now," she calls over her shoulder as she retreats into the house without greeting the others by name (something which hurts them more than a bit).

Each one of the four men walking into the little cottage (they _really_ need to get a bigger house) stop dead in their tracks (Sev an honorary Marauder for the moment) as they process the fact that James is reading.

_James_ is_ reading_. That sentence ought to set alarm bells ringing in every person in the world's head, since this is something that _just isn't done_!

"Severus," Sirius just about manages to get out his proper name rather than "Snivellius", something which the ex-Slytherin appreciates. "Would you like to join the Marauders until James gets himself sorted out in the head?"

Looking as if he's both swallowed a sock (a facial expression Severus perfected many years ago, watching James and Lily snogging away) and happier than he would be if he jumped off a burning building, Severus nods slowly, this movement causing James to look up from a book, the title of which sends shivers down their admittedly wizard spines:

The official highway code.

"_Why_ is he reading-?" Remus trails off, remembering this book from their sixth year, when Lily was reading it non-stop before she went home at Easter to take her driving test.

"Because he told me he wanted to learn to drive a car," she smiles at her guests, waving her wand to bring the tray of drinks through. "I have spare copies if you want to learn yourselves?" she continues, mistaking their ogling of James reading a book (they have the feeling his 'decision' to learn to drive was more of his fiancée's) for them wanting to read it themselves.

"Nah, it's ok," Sirius says, wishing for a moment he was a person who could devour entire books just so he can't see them – a _paper eating vampire_! That's where the world has to go to next – making a vampire that eats all unwanted paper and parchment…they'd be very useful in Hogwarts!

"Well then, do you want to come back tomorrow to see him taking his test?" she smiles, not realising that she's just made the worst mistake a girl could make – inviting her fiancé's friends (who enjoy pranking more than anything else in the world) over to watch him take a test…

"I'm sure they'll be busy…" James tries to jump in but they all shake their heads, even Severus feeling included for a minute.

"Nope – got nothing to do," Severus says, something which is reaffirmed by Peter (such an idiot he can't even speak himself), whilst Remus responds, "I was coming over anyway, remember?"

Sirius, meanwhile, decides to go for a more dramatic approach. "Well, you see old bean, I had plans to go to Voldy's lair with you, remember, and we were gonna 'take him down' a few pegs by using the pranks we tested on Snivellius. But I need my best guy behind me so I'm willing to postpone that to give you the words of encouragement you evidently need. Oh and the decree by the Ministry to allow me to develop my own paper eating vampires hasn't come through yet so I've got nothing to do," he reels off, resulting in the others in the room exchanging blank eyed looks of confusion.

"Is he high?" Lily finally asks, as soon as the black haired Black boy (oh the irony) sits on the floor and begins to laugh.

"He thought he was a vampire earlier," Remus says gravely, never having attributed his friend's craziness to a possible mental illness before. "Unfortunately, I believe we shall have to section him in the back room until tomorrow evening," he continues, resulting in the others all nodding in agreement.

James throws down the book until Lily levels him a look so he picks it up again.

Remus, Peter, Lily and Severus (next to Lily since the others refuse to stand near him, citing 'greasy hair' as the reason why) all raise their wands at the same time, murmuring a spell that instantly has Sirius drooling and levitating, waiting to be taken upstairs to the spare room to have the wizarding version of sectioning.

Unfortunately, it's not as funny anymore downstairs and the three Marauders (Remus, peter and the honorary – something which has James shooting glares at Severus whenever Lily's back is turned – member Severus) have nothing to do. watching James read gets boring after a minute and Lily won't allow anything else to happen till he's finished the book (not going to happen soon, since he's only on pg 67, 194- allow pedestrians plenty of time to cross and do not harass them by revving your engine or edging forwards) so they all decide to go home.

Not very fun.

_The next day_

Eight am the next morning and all three are back and ready to go watch James 'try' and pass his driving test. Lily has been barred from going so they all think that he's going to magic the instructor into letting him pass, simply so that Lily stops getting him to pass.

"We have food and drinks to consume whilst we watch!" Peter exclaims brightly (one of his first sentences voluntarily in weeks) as he indicates the three bags of food and drink in his hands.

"I have literature for us to read whilst we wait," Remus proffers his fifteen chosen books for them to read as Severus stands there like a lemon (he wasn't included in the 'what to bring' conversation thread by high speed owls between the two official Marauders).

"You realise the test takes about an hour or so _max_?" Lily looks shocked as she steps out of the house and takes in the vast amount of stuff they've brought. "You have no need for a portable campfire or a table and chairs and oh _god_, is that a _tent_?" she looks hysterical as she spies a pile of fabric inside Remus' jacket.

"Well…we had to consider it could take weeks for him to drive so much that he shows he can pass every rule in the book," Peter says quietly, not looking particularly happy that he did this wrong. "Sorry, Lily."

She sighs but lets them in, ordering all the food to be put in the kitchen for the party afterwards, where all the Order of the Phoenix are dropping by for a celebration. It's probably not the best idea to have the entire meeting centred around food and alcohol, but what is Voldemort going to do, steal their chicken legs?

_An hour later_

James comes down the stairs with a morbid expression on his face.

"Lily, I'm going now!" he calls as the three Marauders hop to attention (Sirius is still drooling upstairs).

"We're coming!" they cry, running with him as he tries to escape at full speed through the door…but just crashes into the gate. "Hey, James, can we come in the car with you?" they press as he greets his instructor but he shakes his head, grimacing.

"You'd tell me that I'm doing it wrong," he points at Remus who nods, knowing he'd probably do this. "You would agree with me and then Remus," he points at Peter who shrugs before nodding. "And you…I haven't a bloody clue why you're here but as soon as I pass, you're kicked out of the Marauders," he continues, looking up and down at Severus with the 'wizarding once over'. "Oh yeah and your hair smells."

And, with that, he gets in the car.

"Let's go have a picnic!" Peter throws into the mix, indicating to the flowering meadow behind them in a very camp manner.

"I'll read," Remus sighs, looking at the pile of books he brought. "Coming?" he addresses Severus who shakes his head, not really paying attention as he memorises the number plate of the car zooming away.

"I'm just going over there," he mutters, neither of the Marauders particularly bothered – in fact, they're rather relieved that they no longer have to mask the scent with Sirius' shaggy dog perfume he tried to sell to Madam Malkin (it's the only thing that masks Severus' hair smell).

And, with that, he follows the car.

_at the party_

"Isn't he just great?" Lily enthuses as she holds onto James' arm. "Not one major _or _minor fault – that's amazing!"

The entire party continue to eat food, not particularly bothered about James' success but wanting to eat the yummy food Peter (a proper foodie) brought.

Meanwhile, Severus is fiddling with the Muggle projector thing, trying to get a picture up on the screen but failing just as…

"Sirius Black, the best man in the world, IS BACK!" Sirius screeches as he runs down the stairs, affirming everyone's beliefs that he's actually crazy.

To further this, he turns and finds the first woman he can, which is McGonagall…whom he then plants one on.

Just as the reactions begin to stir, Severus sets off a bang to draw attention to him and his picture on screen, which is more of a video.

"This, ladies and gentlemen," he calls proudly. "This is proof that Potter _failed_ his test and then Confunded the driver!" and then he plays the clip of James crashing into five cars in a row before then getting a piece of stick from the back seat and threatening the instructor, just to realise it's a branch and then finding his wand.

"You _lied_?" Lily gasps, stepping away from her fiancé. "Oh my _god_, I can't do this anymore!"

And then she runs out of the house.

James instantly looks at Severus and screams viciously. "You better run, Snivellius, otherwise your pants are going to be on your head and Sirius thinking you're a hotter version of McGonagall."

So, Severus runs out of the house as well.

All in all, a successful meeting between the Marauders and Snape!

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_Whatcha think?_

_Vitz, sorry it's late now __**technically**__; I added more to it to make it more 'Vicky crack'._

_Don't hate me?_

_Don't fav without reviewing dudes as well, please and thank you!_

_Vicky xx_


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